Hello Mother, hello Father, I’m a new teacher at Kern Valley...

I found this in some old computer files. I wrote it during my first year of teaching and forgot all about it. It's a spoof on, "Camp Grenada," by Allan Sherman.

Hello Mother, hello Father,
I’m a new teacher at Kern Valley
School requires a lot of training
And they say we'll all teach well when they’re explaining

But I was teaching and lecturing
When I noticed they weren’t listening
they were talking, they were laughing,
all my students are so aggravating.

All the students hate the teachers
And my classroom’s full of creatures
from the food that kids have left there
All these ants are climbing up on my chair.

I went out to see my car,
They had keyed it, they’ve gone too far!
they egged my house and ding-dong ditched it
And they laughed at me when I pitched a fit.

Take me home, oh Mother Father,
Take me home, I’m bad at teaching!
Don't leave me in my classroom where
the smell of body odor lingers everywhere.
Take me home I promise I will make your meal
Or wash your car and shine the rims and wheels.
Oh please don't make me stay
I've been teaching one whole day.

Dearest Father,
Darling Mother,
I could stay in your old cellar,
Let me come home, though I’m thirty,
I would even clean your house if it gets dirty.

Wait a minute, here’s my paycheck
and a student just hugged my neck,
making friends now, gee that's better
Mother, Father, disregard this letter.