Actual Conversation Between my Children Overheard This Morning
Bennett (the four-year-old): I call this early-morning meeting of the Hughes family children to order. We have a mission today. Mother is going to try and get things done today. We cannot let that happen. What are we going to do?
Rosalinda (the five-month-old): Umm…I know I’m pretty new to the family here, but I’m just gonna’ throw this out there- I could cry obnoxiously every time Mother puts me down.
Bennett: Even if you’re clean and fed and she’s been holding you all night?
Rosalinda: Especially then. And I’ll throw up on myself.
Bennett: I like it. Juanita- what’s your plan?
Juanita (the two-year-old): Well, lately I’ve been working on my pinching skills. So I think I’ll just go with that for today. I will pinch you every chance I get and…get this…if you so much as look at me, I’ll scream and claim that you pinched me!
Bennett: You are truly an artist. I’m not sure I’ve ever told you how long I’ve admired your work. As for myself, I will, of course, bite you in retaliation and claim that I have no idea how you got those tooth marks on your arm. And then I’m going to spend all day jumping up and down and asking Mother to look at me, even if I’m not doing anything very interesting. And if she won’t look at me every single time- I’m going to sulk.
Rosalinda: Ooh and if you guys get bored doing those things, might I suggest jumping on top of me? Mother always responds to that!
Juanita: Yeah! Go us!
Bennett: But guys, we have to talk about what happened yesterday. Mother actually went to the bathroom by herself. We barely noticed and by the time I ran over there, she had finished and was walking out through the door. What happened, guys?
Rosalinda: I think it was me. I was distracted by one of those toys with the dangly bits. Oh, I love the dangly bits. I just drool all over them and I love them so much that I want to swallow them more than anything else in the world.
Juanita: I was…I was putting together a cow puzzle! Don’t look at me like that. What were you up to, Bennett?
Bennett: I’m ashamed to say it. I was looking at a brightly colored picture book. The colors…the pictures…what is she thinking putting these things right in our home? How can we help but be distracted by something like that? Toys, puzzles, books? We’ve got to get serious, guys! If necessary, we have to try our secret weapon.
Juanita: Not the secret weapon! I don’t know, Bennett, this might be going too far.
Bennett: Yes, Juanita. You must wet your pants. Preferably two inches away from the toilet. Do it for the family.
Juanita: Well, if it’s for the good of the family…
Bennett: She's waking up! Everyone pretend to be asleep.
Rosalinda: I'm kind of sleepy, can I actually fall asleep?
Juanita: Yeah, I’m actually kind of sleepy, too. I might just lay down and close my eyes until, oh, 11:00.
Bennett: No! You can't do that! Do you want Mother to think we don’t take our jobs seriously? No one can sleep in. You must stay awake at all costs, even if you are extremely sleepy and grumpy. So stay awake. And remember- no one can ever know about our secret meetings.