Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Death- Poem #100


I will post more Guinea Pig adventures next time. I thought we needed a little break from all the treacle.

My New Year's resolution this year was to write a page a day. Have I achieved that so far? Absolutely not. I did get a lot of writing done this year, but not as much as I had hoped.

One of the things that happened was my grandfather's death. Since his illness and death, I have been pre-occupied with grief and feelings of loss. Anytime I try to write...that's all that will come out. I'd rather not look at it, so I just put the pen down instead.

It's time to break out of this, but I'm just not sure how. I don't like writing dark things so often- it makes me feel morbid. It's just not my style or my personality.

I haven't chosen to share very many of my sad writings on the blog because they are so dark, and also because my family supports me by checking on the blog regularly, and they are also dealing with so much grief that I don't want to further upset them. Some things are too personal to post on the internet or even to talk about.

As usual, when I'm feeling strong emotions about something, I wrote a poem about it, which incidentally happens to be the 100th poem I have saved! That makes over 10,000 words and 53 pages worth of poems. I started writing poetry in 1998. I know I have other old poems floating around out there in old journals and things, but I haven't yet succeeded in tracking them down.


100.
How can I write when my pen is covered in death?

Not macabre, over-dramatic, glorious decay

That so many writers have profited by.

My pen is covered in loss, withering, fading, destitution.

Death, Death, Death.

It’s the only word I have to write.

I’d rather leave the page blank than write death onto the paper.

7 comments:

  1. I get what you mean about the slow, crumbling fade of death- its grey, dull, almost a non-color- it doesn't inspire as much as it dissolves, it doesn't enthrall as much as it entropies the heart.

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  2. After our grandmother passed away we "family" would tell each other our favorite or childhood memories of our time spent with her. I know it's still very sensitive for you but perhaps remembering and writing about all the great times you shared with your grandfather would be good for you.

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  3. The poem, all part of the necessary grieving process... the pain will always be with you, but love will be there too, a love that gives strength.

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  4. In a way, what you have done in this posting must have been therapeutic and cleansing. That is most positive.
    In peace and kindness, Gary.

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  5. I agree with you on the last line "I’d rather leave the page blank than write death onto the paper". Hope everything goes well.

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  6. Dearest Sandy,
    I like what Ryan said about sharing memories.Maybe you could write your happy memories as a way to heal . I am wondering how we will celebrate his birthday maybe if we all came with a memory . I am doing better. I find myself functioning very well but sometimes it seems sadness is just below the surface and if it is scratched at all it bubbles up. I think I am doing so well then Bam I see something about someone dying and there it is again.

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  7. Hi little one,
    My Dad is gone. Only one I'll ever have. Been a part of my entire earthly life. Just as he was a grandfather for you. My eyes fill with tears as I write this. Seems since his parting I am more fragile. Doesn't take much to wipe my film of strength away. It is so thin, so weak.
    If death has stymied your creativity so be it. Something richer and deeper will come from your sorrow. That sounds so trite. Forgive me.
    We grieve individually. We heal in community. Thanks for this site to share with each other.
    Aunt Susie

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