Thursday, March 3, 2011
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet"
We are studying Romeo and Juliet in class right now, so yesterday we discussed whether we would still be ourselves if our parents had named us something different.
I shared with the darlings that my parents had named me Sandy after one of my father's favorite cousins. I have only met my 2nd cousin Sandy a few times, so I don't have very many ideas about who she is- but I got the impression from my father that she was a sweet, caring person.
Something else I shared with the darlings is that Sandra means, "Helper of Mankind."
I have always taken pride in the idea that I was a "helper." I don't like to see pain or suffering- I want to make the world a better place. One of my spiritual gifts is Mercy, and when I see tragedy my heart breaks every time. I believe that is the sort of person Jesus would want me to be, too- someone who puts an end to suffering and shares hope with people.
That is one of the reasons why I became a teacher. And yet...I have to be so strict with my rules to keep order and to keep them from hurting themselves and eachother, that it just wears away at me day after day. I am all alone in that little classroom on top of the hill. It's only me and them and I often wonder how much longer I can keep it together.
I am tired of being the person who is yelling at people and disciplining them. You would think that after five years, I would fall into some sort of pattern that would be effective and that I could live with- but instead, I find myself turning into someone I don't like.
The weird thing is- I feel like I'm being the meanest person on the planet- but yet the kids still treat me like I'm way too nice. I don't think I'm cut out for this job.
"Mrs. Hughes" is not the same person as "Sandy." And I am tired of being "Mrs. Hughes." I would rather be "Sandra Rose" again. I want to be sweet and pleasant and fun- but instead, I'm strict, and unyielding and on guard... and even though it may be what the kids need more than anything...I don't like it. I feel like I'm not "Sandra Rose" anymore. I wonder where she went? Will she come back this summer?
-because I sure miss being her.